Pickle Surprise! -OR- The First Time I've Seriously Considered Suicide

Today I decided I was finally going to experiment with pickling green tomatoes. I've been thinking about it for a while, and decided to just do it before they all ripen. I'm getting impatient, and want to enjoy something out of my garden, but nothing is quite ripe yet.

I found plenty of recipes online for pickled green tomatoes, but they all just seemed so...bland. Just normal flavors like you'd find for dill pickles. I wanted to do something interesting, so I headed to the Asian market by my house and grabbed some ingredients. I wanted to do a Thai spice, so I picked up some limes, ginger, shallots, and Thai chilies.

I got home and set about making a brine for the tomatoes. I am super excited about the purple ones, they are going to look fantastic. I smoked a bowl, put on The Flaming Lips, and started chopping away. I got to the little chilies, seeded them, and continued on the the shallots. I got something in my eye, and went to wipe it out...

And I suffered the MOST EXCRUCIATING PAIN OF MY LIFE!! Now let this be a lesson of warning to you...for the love of God, wash your hands after handling these Thai chilies. I am not fucking around, you do NOT want to get this in your eye. I know because I did. And it felt like my eyes were melting out of my face. I was blinded, and literally could not see anything, I was stumbling around the kitchen trying to find the sink, but washing my eyes out only made it worse. I ran between my bedroom and kitchen, which are basically the same room, and repeated "Oh Fuck, Oh Fuck, Fucking Jesus Christ this fucking hurts." Over and over again, and wondering when the pain would stop. I seriously considered just gouging my eyes out with a spoon, it hurt so bad, and was spreading across my entire face. So bad. The pain was just so bad. After about 20 minutes I could finally see enough to go to the bathroom and look for eye drops. None. And having my eyes open just brought the pain back again, and I was again, stumbling blindly just trying to retain my sanity.Thank God my bedroom is a door inside the kitchen, because I blindly found my way in and found my phone.

Now Siri is a dumb bitch, but I think she saved my life today. I asked her how to get chili out of my eye, and she found an article telling me to wash it out with milk. I found Goat's milk in the fridge, and used it to rub my eye and face, and started to feel relief. Oh it was bad, that was a terrible time, the worst pain I've ever felt, and it just wouldn't stop. I remember thinking, "Am I going to die like this?"

Of course I didn't But it was absolutely horrible. Once the experience was over, I went back to cutting up my brine ingredients, and was much more careful with the chilies after touching them. My entire face still felt like it had been badly sunburned for a good couple hours afterward, and my eyes were bloodshot red and puffy.

But they were in integral part of my pickling recipe, and I'm pretty sure they did a great service. I still have to wait a week to try them while they cure in the fridge, but I have high hopes.

The best case scenario is that I'll have awesome pickled green tomatoes to put on everything! And the Indigo Rose tomatoes that are still only semi-purple...OMG are they gorgeous. I wanted my pickles to be slightly sweet, but also tangy and a little spicy too, and the brine tasted perfect. Worst Case scenario- it will be a disaster and I'll have nearly lost my sight for nothing.

 Make sure to cool the brine to room temperature before pouring over the tomatoes, because part of the pleasure is the crisp crunch that can be destroyed by a hot brine. Enjoy!

Thai Pickled Green Tomatoes

Brine

• 4 Thai chilies- seeded and sliced
• 6 garlic cloves-sliced
• 2 1/2 TBSP salt
• 1 TBSP mustard seed
• Zest of 1 limes-use a vegetable peeler 
• 10 mint leaves
• 1 shallot-sliced
• 2" piece of ginger-sliced
• 1 TBSP whole black pepper
• 2 Bay leaves
• Dash each of fish sauce and soy sauce
• 1 TBSP each honey and brown sugar
• 1 C Rice Vinegar
• 1 C Water

Also, Put in Each Jar...

• 1/2# green tomatoes, cut in wedges
• 3 whole cloves garlic
• 1/4 tsp mustard seeds
• zest of 1/2 lime-veg peeler
• 3-4 mint leaves
• 1/2 shallot, sliced
• 1/2" ginger, sliced
• 1/4 tsp whole black pepper
• 1 Bay leaf
• 1/2 Thai chili, seeded and sliced

To start, prepare all of your brine ingredients, and put them in a pot on the stove and heat until the honey and brown sugar dissolve. Set aside to cool to room temp.

Meanwhile, prepare all of your ingredients to put in the jars. I cut the small Indigo Rose tomatoes into quarters, but the larger green ones I cut into sixths. I tossed each batch separately with all of their jar ingredients, and then placed them in the jars. 

Once the brine is cooled, strain it and pour over the tomatoes. Put lids on, and store in the fridge for a week before eating. Will be good for 2 weeks. Put on top of tacos, hot dogs, burgers, sandwiches, soups, anything you want really.